John and Mary came to me for marriage counseling. They had been married for 14 years and had one teenage daughter.

They had been to marriage counseling at a mega-church they formerly attended but said they didn’t get anything out of it, as the Bible was barely used, if used at all.

The marriage was in trouble, having little biblical structure because little had been taught to them at the mega-church. Theft realized that their church was biblically weak, heard about us, and began to attend.

The marriage had dissolved into frequent quarreling and what James characterizes as evil speaking.

What they needed was discipleship from the Word of God, so they needed not only to attend the weekly church service and become members of our church, but also to take their Bibles seriously and begin applying them. 

So, since conflict and “communications” are the most frequent presenting issues in marriage counseling, I thought a flyover of James 3:2-4:10 might be a good place to start.

Most scholars see James 3:2 starting a unit of thought that flows from 3:2 all the way through to James 4:11-12

I would suggest that if you are reading this blog, you may want to pause and read James 3:2 through James 4:11-12.

In summary, the structure looks like this:

James 3:2-12 is a rebuke of the evil tongue and its destruction of community.

James 3:13-18 contrasts wisdom from above and wisdom from below. The contrast illustrates the consequences of putting either wisdom into practice.

James 4:1-3 is a strong rebuke to his readers about quarreling. They are experiencing the consequences of evil speaking and disorder within the community.

James 4:4-10 is a strongly worded call to repentance. No change is possible unless the community is serious about repenting and putting off prideful hearts.

James 4:11-12: another rebuke for his church to cease evil speaking against one another because they are acting as judges of the law rather than doers of the law (James 1:22, 2:8).

To help John and Mary see connections in Scripture, I sought to link James 3:2-12 to the Old Testament, since that was all James’ church would have had at the time he wrote his epistle.

It is extremely likely that when James wrote 3:2-12, he was referencing Proverbs 18:20-21.

With the fruit of a man’s mouth his stomach will be satisfied; He will be satisfied with the product of his lips. 21Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Pr 18:20–21.

A reasonable paraphrase of v20  might read, “We’d better be able to stomach what we say.” The reference to “fruit” repeated in verse 21 helps us understand the picture Proverbs often paints:

8The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, And they go down into the innermost parts of the body—pr 18:8.

It’s a reference to gossip and evil speech, but the food reference is clear.

Vs 18:20 does not specify whether the food is good or bad, but the idea of “eating our words” would be the view.

There are times in life and in marriage in particular when we have to eat our words. If we are honest, sometimes we even shock ourselves by what comes out of our mouths, although we are frequently more shocked by what comes out of the mouths of others. The consequences of eating our words are never good and usually result in the other person having to eat theirs. Consider:

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit. Pro. 18:21

So we see the fruit reference connected with those who love it.  Those who love it refer to the tongue, which refers to speech. It implies that those who know a language know how it may be used to achieve a particular purpose.

Their purpose may be good, that is, producing life, or bad, producing death; in either case each will eat its fruit.

It means we know exactly what we are doing when we produce evil speaking which is connected to unrighteous anger. What is produced is cursing, swearing, and punishing words designed to tear down and hurt. We say “I was only venting and didn’t mean it,” but that’s a lie. It’s as if self-control was never an option. It would be better to say, I wish I never said that; would you forgive me for evil speaking and a horrible temper.

You see, Proverbs 18:20-12 is most likely what James had in mind when he got to vs 3:9-10:

9With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; 10from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.

John and Mary had a long road ahead of them as they sought to live together in a biblical structure. While heart change is always the main goal, a little self-control can go a long way in taming the tongue.

By teaching them, they have been reaping what they have been sowing for 14 years, and by encouraging repentance, I hoped to start them on a path that glorifies God, beginning with how they treat one another.

Scripture: Proverbs 18:20-21, James 3:2-4:12

Tags: Communication, Evil speaking, conflict

This blog entry was extracted from a sermon series I am doing at my church. If you would like to hear the entire sermon on evil speaking, you can check it out on The Vine Community Church website. (https://www.thevinemke.org/)

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