Conflict in Marriage Series – An Angry Household

When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandments were, he quoted from the Old ¹Testament (Deut. 6:5; Lev. 19:18):

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Mt 22:37–39, ESV

The couple, in constant conflict, exchanging volleys of angry, punishing words, is neither loving God nor their closest neighbor. If they claim Jesus as Lord and Savior and their household is characterized by conflict, then one wonders what difference the gospel has made in their lives or if they have been truly saved in the first place.

The apostle Paul, in rebuking the Galatians, wrote this, quoting Leviticus 19:18:

For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. Ga 5:14–15

The imagery is appropriate for a husband and wife at each other’s throats since it suggests wild animals tearing something apart. It’s a graphic example of what happens when believers do not love one another or serve others. Their anger betrays their hearts (Luke 6:43-45).

The Book of Proverbs has much to say about unrighteous anger.

A man of quick temper acts foolishly, 

and a man of evil devices is hated. Pr 14:17

Few things destroy a household as much as unrighteous anger does. A quick temper by either husband or wife will either be repented of or lead to more verbal abuse or even physical abuse.²

The Proverb states that the quick-tempered man acts foolishly. This means he is a fool according to the Bible.

A fool in Scripture is not some sort of jester or class clown who thinks he is funny. A fool in Scripture is someone who is prideful, arrogant, and sure of their own opinion.

One man said that folly signifies moral corruption from the standpoint of its impact on judgment and reason. In other words, the fool, in his anger, disregards moral truth as he recklessly vents. He gets himself and others into trouble with his anger, spiraling into a downward cycle of rage.

A man of wrath stirs up strife, 

and one given to anger causes much transgression. Pr 29:22. ESV

Have you ever noticed how one person’s angry words lead to another’s? That is what it means to stir up conflict.

An angry person is one of wrath, which describes their inner emotional state. They abound in sin because they reject God and His wisdom (Pr. 1:7; 9:10)

One’s pride will bring him low, 

but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor. Pr 29:23.

Proverbs 29:23 contrasts with Proverbs 29:22.

The biblical fool is full of pride. His anger reflects that pride as he seeks to intimidate or punish others for offenses, both real and imagined. The prideful person rejects God; he is a fool, dependent on himself.

The prideful fool rejects moral boundaries and scoffs at societal boundaries as he couldn’t care less about the damage he causes to others.

The contrast is the person who is lowly in spirit (humble) because they depend on God, seeking to love their neighbor rather than going on and on about their rights.

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, 

but he who is slow to anger quiets contention. Pr 15:18

Proverbs 15:18 repeats what a hothead (Pro. 29:22) does, but then balances the saying by stating what the hot head should do: be slow to anger, for the result may quiet contention. A person slow to anger is a person who seeks peace.

The hot head who seeks God’s wisdom can learn self-control if his desire is to please God, by loving God and loving his neighbor.

A foolish son is ruin to his father, 

and a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain. 

House and wealth are inherited from fathers, 

but a prudent wife is from the Lord. Pr 19:13–14.

Men are not alone in their anger for wives can be contentious, and by her constant arguing and fighting, she can single-handedly tear down o her own home (Pr. 14:1). The Proverb speaks of a household ruined by sin and a failure to seek God’s wisdom and live biblically.³

A prudent wife is from the Lord, which means she manages her household unto the Lord as a good steward.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; 

fools despise wisdom and instruction. Pr 1:7

Change starts in the heart of the fool by recognizing that they do not have fear of the Lord. Their words and behaviors reflect a rejection of God and of God’s wisdom, and they actually hate the necessary correction that God’s wisdom provides.

Repentance from the heart is necessary, and that starts by fearing God.

To fear God means to give reference to our Creator and Redeemer (Christ). To acquire wisdom, one has to be humble enough to accept correction and begin to live a biblically structured life.

For more on biblical change, I recommend The Process of Biblical Change by Dr. Julie Ganschow. 
I also recommend Proverbs: A Shorter Commentary by Bruce Waltke and Ivan D. V. DE Silva for a deep dive into the book.

1.  All Scripture is from the ESV unless otherwise noted. ↩︎
2.  It should be noted that abuse is on a continuum. All married couples disagree and argue, but the degree of anger can vary. The chronically angry person is defined as someone who is persistently angry with a long-standing pattern of anger and rage that has become life-dominating. They are, in fact, emotionally unstable and lack self-control. Couples that seem to fight a lot should be aware of where unrepentant sin can lead. ↩︎
3.   As stated earlier in the post, verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse, and it’s not limited to men verbally or physically abusing women. Some surveys report that 1 in 4 women report physical abuse, and 1 in 7 men do. ↩︎

---